i’m afraid i’m going to have to go to bonnaroo, guys. Avett Brothers? Martin Sexton? She and Him, Regina Spektor, freakin…Seriously.
i’m jittery from caffiene and this freezing living room and staying up all night painting, yet again. working on two paintings: One of Katie Gray and Shiloh, from that photo i took on New Years where he’s safe and sleeping in her lap, and one other which i’d rather not talk about right now. i’m also jittery from feeling these feelings about these paintings.
i wonder if i should start giving them to people—”Here’s the depressing painting i made to deal with how you make me feel! Happy birthday!”
Been thinking about how masochistic art is, been thinking about how weird it is that when i start to make a new painting i look internally for a tender spot, then dig, then dig some more until i’m a crying heap.. and then start the painting. it’s like therapy, quite exactly like therapy, though i’m not sure i should always go at it alone. usually when i’m working on a particularly hard one i go over to my parents’ house and paint in their dim dining room all night. my dad gets up early, like 4:30, makes me breakfast, and gives me feedback, and then i paint some more with greasy fingers.
but they’re out of town, so it’s just me and Pandora tonight. and Katie Gray.
i had a fantastic night. it’s a tuesday, so there are $2 pints, you know..around. and PS, now i know where the entire city, including but not limited to everyone in the art department at UT, spends their tuesday evenings. it’s Barley’s, folks. They were showing Star Wars, but i didn’t watch, because i could watch movies at home if that was what i wanted.
Knox was out with Ben* and my dad (consequently, also at Barley’s) but i sat at another table w. Amanda and only went over there sometimes to flirt with him a little/ask for his debit card (those two go hand in hand, my friends).
(*visiting from Malta! yes yes, them’s good people.)
things are really accelerating with starting the school, and positions are being filled left and right. this week we’ve had something like 4 new people commit to full-or-part-time roles, including some of the biggies! i’m pretty excited, and Knox is freaking out. They wrote lesson plans today, and he was practically giddy—giddy about TESOL, which is something not a lot of people get giddy about. (giddy x3 in one sentence! i really must mean it.)
i just can’t believe it’s actually happening. it’s almost like..if you build it, they will come. 
all that’s really left is to decorate Knox’s classroom, which is also something i’m looking forward to.
i feel like my heart’s going to explode, right now.
no,
now.
“if i’ve learned anything over the past couple of years, it’s that the best things for me are usually the things that begin most painfully. if i’ve learned anything over the past 5 days, it’s that i’m capable of much more than i ever thought. God made me that way.”
i’m so proud.
i want to be more capable than i ever expected too.
News for this week:
i’ve been writing a lot of poems this week, primarily because the Writing Intensive course i’m taking this semester is a poetry class. Very interested to see where all this will take me..it’s been round about a year since i’ve written regularly. tonight i have to write a new poem and follow a bunch of rules, one of them being that i have to include a minimum of 10 anglo-saxon words (i will be using this site to help me on my way). one of them being that i have to mention artichokes. and a bizarre color.
Speaking of which, i’m starting two new paintings tomorrow, this time of my own choosing. One of the studio classes i’m taking this semester is actually an independent study in watercolor, which essentially means that i’m making up my own assignments and then showing my work to the instructor.. !!the pressure!! is on. i’ve been wondering all day what i should paint… it sorta feels monumental because these will be the first paintings of mine the teacher will see. i have a couple of ideas, but nothing phenom yet. part of me wants to paint a photo because that’s just so easy and clear-cut, but it feels like a bit of a cop out—i mean, i’m taking the class to try new things.
OH YES, there was a baby born this week, too. he’s adorable, large (9 pounds 8 oz, which i consider to be huge), a redhead, wonderful wonderful. his cheeks are so big they rest on his little sholders sometimes. he has bunches of folds on his leetle arms. His mama had a freakin incredible birth, too. I took them some ice cream tonight, and doritos, and rocked him in a glider, and … i love him.
Kruze Farms chocolate milk is probably the most decadent thing i can think of, and we have some in the ‘ol fridge. Which makes me feel like a pretty blessed lady.
the english classes are starting starting starting soon, and i love seeing Knox getting so excited as he talks about his interviews with prospective students. i love that we’re getting his classroom ready. love it love it love it.
love Katie Gray. (Can we discuss her haircut?! it’s rocking my world.) love Joel and Brenda, too. love GS. love the PG. love knoxville and all the folks.
...
it’s amazing the effect a lost love can have. i got an email the other day that i’ve been putting off reading, and every time i even thought of reading it my head would start to get buzzy and my fingers would feel freezing cold.
and i read the email and it didn’t do a lot to clear up those feelings, just added a little more confusion and heartache into the mix (if it’s even possible to be more confused).
the new semester starts tomorrow.
fucking hell. my life is just fine. things couldn’t be better, except that i have to get up at 7 to go to the gym with friends..but i have friends to go with.
-i’m taking an independent watercolor study starting tomorrow
-i’ve just gotten back from watching the office with dear ‘ol friends who think so highly of me they moved cross-country to live near me.
-i’m gaining confidence in myself & my skills. & knowing more and more what i’m supposed to be doing with my life. AND DOING IT.
-Luke gave me a gorg hardcover copy of A Severe Mercy and i’m reading it again, slowly, and wearing a little pendant with a fish and a locket on it, thinking about me and knox and The Shining Barrier we’ve been workin on for 10 years and wishing i could live on a boat, just for a little while.
indeed.
how can pain from the past so impact me today?
-& i would like to point out that every time i go to All Souls i am made aware that i need to forgive her, but it’s not easy or quick, so why on earth would she try to contact me?
maybe i DO have a secret map to Porchical. Maybe i’m not telling.
come spring i’ll hopefully be spending more time on said Porchical.
got another “Porchical” google hit today.
Practically every woman on my street is pregnant. This is exciting! but also gives me that tinge of sadness, seeing as how i’ll never be pregnant again. —That phrase was just awful to type.
It was a choice, and we made it, and i am now free to do things like be an artist and love my two kids fully and live in a small-ish apartment and not have a minivan and send my kids to an expensive school. and have the option of a future brown baby. plus i have a great dog and great friends and a great job.
i knew when we decided to not have any more biological children that it would be hard. i definitely went through a bit of a mourning period, feeling like i had lost my fertility and was practically menopausal. Knox and i made the decision for my benefit, though, knowing that if i kept getting pregnant (it’s just so easy! and i’m so good at it!) i would never be able to fully follow the dreams i’ve had my whole life. not that i wasn’t myself when my children were small, but it’s just so darn hard to think about anything but babies when you have a baby! and as hard as i tried i didn’t progress in my art without school.
i think being a full-time student with a job and two kids and a rockin’ marriage and being a mentor and a doula and an advocate for refugees and having fun and having friends AND HAVING A BABY would be impossible for me.
So if it’s such a wonderful decision, then why is it so hard?
I loved being pregnant. I was never too sick. I had the most perfect round belly (my midwife told me), and Knox loved the roundness. I felt confident to wear next-to-nothing in the summers when it was hot and i was large and sweaty. i felt proud of what i could accomplish “while pregnant,” like traveling or singing with a squished diaphragm, or hiking, or climbing dunes in the Sahara.
I love childbirth. you probably knew this. i always learned so much through my labors and deliveries, learned about myself and about my child, about my marriage and about how i handle pain or stress. i love waterbirths. i love having unique stories for each of my children about when they were born.
I like babies. i like to nurse them. i like their hot breath and tiny squeaks. and how they root around and look for me, ME, MOTHER, most wonderful of all creatures in their little minds. i like watching their little tongues stick out the way breastfed babies do, i like watching them learn to speak, learn to pretend, learn to eat peas.
Having another baby would make my world much smaller, but it’s a lovely smaller-ness.
This is incredible, and it…just makes me feel.
